The NFL is back, which means that desk jockeys, cube monkeys, hungover college students, oblivious girlfriends, that one chick who really needs to prove how much she knows about the NFL by drafting Brandin Cooks because he’s about to have a break-out year… everyone is ready to incessantly hit refresh on the matchup page until the final Monday Night Football whistle blows and the scores are in the books.  If you’re anything like me, you hate fantasy football so much that you love it.

I told myself in July (when I got my first – of three – draft invitations) – “I’m not doing any leagues this year.”  Well, as Week 1 is about to conclude, I’m about to go 2-1.  That is, until Antonio Brown goes for 187 yds and 3 TDs.  I need Antonio Brown to score between 15 and 41 points.  He can make a few catches and score a touchdown – he just can’t score four touchdowns.  I’m up 41 points in one league, where my opponent has Brown.  But, I’m also down 6 in another league where I have Brown going tonight.  This is why I hate fantasy football.

Rather than being able to enjoy tonight’s Steelers/Redskins game, I will sit there hoping – nay, expecting – an absurd outcome.  I’ll be begging for Big Ben to throw to Brown exclusively.  But, at the same time, I’ll be begging that once he catches his first TD, that Brown decides he wants to sit out the second half and not catch any more passes.  Yesterday, when the Cardinals were driving in the 4th quarter, down two, I audibly yelled as Carson Palmer (on my team) threw a pass down the right side to Michael Floyd (on my team) for 20+ yards.  Two plays later, when Carson hit Larry Fitzgerald (not on my team) for an incredible first down on third and long, I found myself thinking, “YOU FUCKING IDIOT, throw it to Floyd.”

But alas, I will still play.  I will continue to pick up terrible players off the waiver wire.  I will veto trades for no reason.  I will swap out my WR2 for a guy on the bench.  Then switch it back.  Then switch it back again.  Then click the little tab next to the bench guy’s name and see that he’s going against the 3rd WORST FANTASY DEFENSE next week!!! So I’ll play him… and watch him go for 2 catches 13 yards and 0 TDs (THIS MOTHER FUCKER…).  Maybe next year I’ll grow a ball and actually bet the games like a real man.  Until then, let’s GO BROWN…for less than 41!!!.. but more than 15!!!! Fuck.